she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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