I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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