I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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