THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
