I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
