I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
