after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
