Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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