I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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