Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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