I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
