I murdered the dance floor call the cops
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
