Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
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I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
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My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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