Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
