loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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