I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
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If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
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Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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