so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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