i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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