so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
