I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
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it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
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At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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