She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
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Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
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Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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