if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
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was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
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Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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