i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I deserve this hangover.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
