i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
