dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
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Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
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We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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