I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just googled if crying burns calories
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
