i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
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My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
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I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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