You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?