I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...