oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
