420 ftw
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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