so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
