i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
