It was confusing and full of hummus
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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