she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
