My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me