I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
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After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
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Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand