guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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