The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Randomize
