peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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