dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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