I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
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you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
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she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.