I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.