He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.