i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Dating After Heartbreak
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?