I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.