is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..