Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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