Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
