my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.