Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
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i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
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Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied