apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Dating After Heartbreak
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.