I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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