I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
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Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
What drink are we having for lunch?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
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I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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