He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
