Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I don't deserve a penis
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
