I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
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Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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