If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
